Pearl Of The Stars - Rayrard Prize request

Ray's P.O.V

'Ray… Ray!'
I was pulled out of my thoughts by a frantic looking Mikey, pacing up and down the bus.
'Ray, he's still not back yet!'
'Calm down Mikey, Frank and Bob are out looking for him. He can't have gone too far'
'Yeah… yeah I guess you're right'
He slumped down on the couch next to me.
'I'm really worried about him Ray'
'Yeah me too'

There was a pause as we listened for any noise outside that might indicate his return. Mikey looked over at me and opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it. He tried again.
'Will… will you talk to him?' Silence.
'No, you talk to him. He's your brother, he needs to hear it from you.'
Neither of us wanted the job of explaining to Gerard what he was doing to himself and more importantly, what he was doing to the people around him. He got angry real easy these days and he was almost always high on something.
'But… he loves you Ray… he's told you that himself. He'll listen to you'
'He doesn't love me Mikes. He only says that shit when he's drunk. It doesn't mean anything. He doesn't even know what he's saying,'
Love me? Don't make me laugh. He could have anyone he wanted, why would he want me?

The door of the bus burst open and an out of breath Frank bolted in.
'We found him' he panted 'He's pretty out of it though so we're gonna need some help getting him back'
I nodded and followed him out, telling Mikey to stay there. He didn't need to see his brother like this. Not again.

We got to where Bob was standing –at the other end of the car park we were parked in- and there, in the bushes, lay Gerard. The fallen angel. He was lying face down and sprawled out on the floor. I sighed and grabbed one of his arms, Bob grabbing the other. We hauled him up supporting him on our shoulders. He stirred and his eyes shot open.
'Ray!' he smiled drunkenly when he saw me 'Ray' he slurred again, pulling away from Bob so he collapsed against my chest, giggling.
'God, I love you Ray. Have I told you that before? Really fucking love you' he mumbled, still giggling.
I laughed too, to hide the hurt. It hurt because I know he'll never say those words truly meaning them. Whenever he says those words, it will always hurt

'Let's get you back' I smiled, pulling him back across the car park to the bus that was acting as home for the next few months. I managed, with Bob and Frank's help, to drag him up the steps. I then pulled him into the bunk area where he promptly passed out on my bed. I stared down at him. He was a mess. His clothes were torn and vomit stained, his face covered in bruises and his hair matted and greasy. Despite all this, I still thought he was beautiful.

I removed his shoes and my own and lay down next to him, pulling the covers over us both. He didn't like waking up on his own. He always panicked and thought we'd left and he often had nightmares so needed someone to be there in the night to calm him down if it was particularly bad. It was usually me. In fact, he insisted it was me. He said it was because my hair is the comfiest due to its fluffiness and bounceability. Cute huh? I swear I'm going soft. I'll be spewing rainbows and riding unicorns with Mikey next.

He murmured something quietly and rolled over in his sleep, snuggling into me. I automatically wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer, telling myself that he wouldn't and would be asleep for quite a while anyway. I didn't mean to fall asleep but somewhere, in between thoughts of Gerard and the upcoming show, I drifted off.

I woke up before Gerard the next morning, thank God, so I managed to untangle our bodies from the position we had slept in. I sat up cross legged and watched him for a while. I should talk to him. I need to talk to him about what he's doing to Mikey. And to me, but that didn't matter. He wouldn't care what he was doing to me. I just had to wait for him to wake up.
So what exactly was I going to say to him…?
At that moment he began to stir and shifted slightly, his bloodshot eyes fluttering open.

'Morning' he mumbled, squinting and rubbing his forehead. I didn't respond. 'Uhm… morning?' he tried again. When he still didn't get a response, he frowned.
'Ray?'
'Gee you have to st-'
'I know' he interrupted 'I have to stop drinking. I'm killing myself/ I'll be dead by 40 blah blah blah. I've heard all this before.'
'Yes but you never listen do you? It's not just you you're hurting Gerard. You're hurting other people. You're hurting…' me but that won't change anything 'Mikey. You're hurting your brother.'
'Mikey?' he looked horrified 'Mikey… oh my god… I didn't… I didn't think, I-'
'No, you didn't think did you? I was beginning to get angry now 'You never think when you're drunk. You do things that hurt people. You… say things that hurt people.' I sniffed and looked down, avoiding eye contact. The slurred 'I love you' from last night played in my mind accompanied by the hurt it caused.
there was silence for a moment. I dared to glance up at him. He looked as if he were in deep thought. He looked troubled. Good. His eyes met mine and I quickly lowered my gaze.

'I've hurt you, haven't I Ray?' he whispered, crawling across the bed towards me. I kept my head down.
'Yeah' I mumbled, still not wanting to look at him. He got closer to me, ducking his head, trying to get me to look at him.
'What… what did I do Ray?'
I sighed and got off the bed, walking over to the tiny window and standing with my back to him.
'Ray, what did I do?' he asked again, louder this time.
'Does it matter?' I snapped.
'Yeah it does, because you're my friend Ray and I love you' he put his hand on my shoulder.
'But that's it though isn't it?' my voice was steadily getting louder and I spun around, throwing his hand off me 'You don't love me do you? not how I want you to' my voice cracked at the end 'Not really' I whispered.
There was an awkward silence.

'Ray I-'
'No, it's fine' I cut in. I didn't want to hear his rejection 'I'm just gonna…'
I trailed off as I tried to escape out of the door.
'No, Ray' he whined grabbing hold of my wrist.
'Really Gee, I shouldn't have said anything. I'll go now, I'm sorry' I tried to pull away but he forced me towards him so we both fell backwards onto the bed.
I tried to get up to leave again but he instantly anchored his arms and legs around me, like a toddler who doesn't want to be put down.

'Ray!' he snapped and I stopped struggling. I looked down at him from the position I had ended up in, on my hands and knees on the bed while he lay underneath me, his arms and legs still wrapped around me.
'Ray' he said again, softly this time. I waited for him to speak again.
'I love you' he whispered and pressed his lips softly to mine. My breath caught in my throat.
'I love you I love you I love you I love you' he whispered over and over again, each 'I love you' punctuated with a kiss. I slowly began to return the kisses, cautiously at first. I pulled away slightly and rested my forehead against his.
'Do you really love me Gee?' I smiled shyly.
'I just said so like a million fucking times!' he giggled 'Of course I love you'
'I love you too' I kissed him passionately.

After a while he pulled away.
'Ray' he whispered
'What?' I murmured, my breath mingling with his.
'Will you do something for me?'
'I'd do anything for you' I smiled
'Oh good, will you get me an aspirin then? I've got a killer headache'
'Sure' I laughed, kissing him sweetly on the end of his nose before walking over to the door.
'Oh and Ray' I stopped 'I love you' he grinned

And you know what? It didn't hurt that time.